Tag Archives: April Fools
Malaysian Airlines flight 370 found on nature trail, UWF somewhat shocked
Florida Woman
Staff Writer
After being missing for over a year, Malaysian Airlines flight 370 was recovered on the outskirts of the University of West Florida Edward Ball Nature Trail.
The last known contact for the plane was Mar. 8, 2014. The plane was set to land in Beijing Capital International Airport in Beijing, China.
“The last thing I can remember is everything going black,” Katherine Smith said.
Smith was one of the 239 people on the plane. There were 57 casualties and 182 survivors.
“I’ve seen every episode of LOST,” said Michael Tyler, another surviving passenger. “I felt like I had an advantage over everyone else on how to survive.”
UWF student Joe Black spotted the survivors when he went out to the nature trail before class.
“I went out to the nature trail to blaze before class like I do every Thursday,” Black said. “I dropped my lighter and when I bent down to pick it up I found a piece of the rubble.”
The plane strayed from its projected route to Beijing and ended up flying over the states. By the time Jim Greene, one of the pilots, noticed the mistake, the plane began to malfunction as it ran out of gas. After several attempts to find somewhere to land safely, the plane crashed down in the nature trail.
“I’m not sure what happened,” Jim Greene said, recalling smoke and steam coming from the front panels, and then everything spiraling out of control.
“No one had any idea what to do,” he said. “I completely blanked. I only looked away for a second to check up on my Tamagotchi, and when I looked up everything was on fire and we were headed straight for the ground.”
The survivors of the crash have been living like savages for over a year. They hunted wild boar and alligators for meat, and found orange trees about 2 miles from their campsite. They built shelters out of the clothes of the deceased.
UWF President Judy Bense said she had no idea the plane was so close to the university.
“I thought it was just homeless students living back there,” Bense said. “I had no idea our land had become home to so many freeloaders.”
The passengers of the flight were completely unaware of how close to civilization they actually were.
“I had no idea what was going on or where I was,” Greene said. “We all just assumed we were on a deserted island like on Survivor. We spilt up into teams and everything.”
All surviving passengers split into teams according to whether they liked dogs or cats more. Greene led the dog team, while Tyler was captain of team cat.
“I feel absolutely ridiculous knowing we were this close to civilization,” Smith said. “But I did kind of like living off the land. I’m a man’s man, if you know what I mean.”
The nature trail on campus will be shut down until further notice.
Bathroom stall DOOdles recognized as masterpieces
Big Doody Judy
Staff Writer
Aileen Dover and Seymour Butts, two students from The University of West Florida, started bathroom stall art when they were bored in the bathroom.
“It started as something to pass the time while we were in the can, but ended up being really fun and brought us closer together as a couple,” Dover said.
Dover and Butts decided to spread their art to various bathroom stalls on campus. They visited bathrooms around campus and painted the stalls with various styles of art.
“We wanted to share our art with other students,” Butts said. “It was our way of expressing ourselves, and we wanted other students to become comfortable with expressing themselves too.”
Butts and Dover did just that.
Students on campus began spreading pictures of the artwork through social media.
Hugh Gass, a student from Pensacola State College, saw their art pop up on social media and shared it with his friends.
“Their art is powerful and creative,” Gass said.”They don’t filter their artwork. They paint what they feel, and I connected with that.”
Not only have students begun to admire the new stall art, but so has The Pensacola Museum of Art.
Sandie Yup, executive director of PMA, said she saw their artwork in a bathroom stall that she visited when meeting up with personnel at UWF.
“I knew their art was just the thing that PMA needed,” Yup said. “It was different and intense, and that is the kind of artwork that we love to feature at our museum.”
UWF and PMA are working together to remove most of the bathroom stalls from UWF campus and have them showcased at the museum for the month of April.
The pieces that are chosen by PMA will be removed from the UWF bathrooms, leaving the bathrooms communal for one month.
Dover and Butts have worked with other students around campus to get their artwork on t-shirts, computer cases and phone cases. Half of the proceeds will go towards replacing the bathroom stalls on campus.
“We are so thankful for all of the support and praise from students and residents of Pensacola,” Butts said. “We hope that with the help of our supporters we can take our artwork to bathroom stalls all over the world,” Butts said.
Bubonic Plague infects Martin Hall, little hope for quarantined students
The Great Mortality
Staff Writer
An outbreak of the Bubonic Plague was reported by University of West Florida campus officials last week who said that it was the worst outbreak they’ve seen since 1346.
Center for Disease Control officials said the first case could be traced back to freshman Karma Rainbow, whose mother decided against vaccinating her as a child.
The Black Plague is a disease that is passed among humans via fleas that travel on rats. Symptoms include large sores on the groin, underarms and neck as well as regular flu-like symptoms. If not treated, the disease can kill in four days.
“There is no actual cure for the Bubonic Plague, but a lack of vaccinations may have caused the student to have a weaker immune systems,” said CDC disease expert Barbara Colon. “This could make an individual more susceptible to diseases, such as The Black Death.”
“Students have come in complaining about swollen lymph nodes,” Nurse Linda Black said. “Next thing we know we’ve got high fevers chills and their fingers are turning black.”
Those few students have long since tripled and have now developed a lust for familiars.
“Martin Hall is now officially a quarantine zone,” Officer Ratburn said. “Everyone who’s been in the building for the last three days must stay there until all deaths are confirmed. We hope to be able to send our medical team in soon to retrieve the corpses.”
While University Police have contained the spread of the disease, many non-infected students still remain inside Martin Hall.
“Everything in Martin smells gross,” said freshmen student Conrad Gessner, who managed to escape the quarantine by jumping out a second floor window. “It’s like a slum. There are students lying around. There’s trash everywhere, and all anyone talks about is how there’s not enough food.”
With this latest news of the quarantine, UWF’s administrative board has announced to concerned parents their plans for the situation in a public press conference.
“We expect there to be a drastic drop in class attendance at UWF really soon,” said Mary McClean, University Board Representative. “The students quarantined in Martin Hall aren’t expected to return, and we have already turned our focus towards the healthy students that remain at the university. We don’t want another outbreak to occur, and we are doing our best to seal off other suspected sources for the disease.”
Kim Jong-un appointed UWF Men’s Basketball Head Coach
Putin’s Pool Boy
Staff Writer
In wake of the retirement of former University of West Florida’s Men’s Basketball Coach Robert Stinnett, the Argonauts announced Kim Jong-un, Supreme Leader of North Korea, as his replacement on Monday.
Former NBA star turned UWF Mental Health Counselor Dennis Rodman, expressed his excitement for the Supreme Leader and left a message for those who disagree with his acceptance at the university.
“He is beautiful,” Rodman said. “His skills are utterly amazing. He is impeccable and fearless. UWF has been blessed to have been gifted such god-like talent. I only wish that I had half of his talent.
“People must understand that this man is undefeated. He defeated all North Korean basketball players that challenged him. He was ranked best basketball coach in North Korea. People need to set their emotions to the side and examine the facts,” Rodman said.
UWF President Judy Bense also welcomed the Supreme Leader with joy.
“It was totally a no-brainer,” Bense said. “He’s going to whip these boys into shape. By having the Supreme Leader leading our boys we are sure to win. Less nukes, more basketball is my motto – and go football!”
The acceptance of the new coach comes with some controversy, such as the requirement for every member of the men’s basketball team to adopt his haircut, accept regulations on their free speech, and paint a portrait of the Supreme Leader every 6 months. Those who refuse will disappear.
President Barak Obama issued a strong message in light of the new coach.
“We are deeply concerned about these new developments,” Obama said.
Kim Jong-un fired back his critics, claiming that his skill is beyond comparison.
“The Argos need me,” Kim Jong-un said. “They have come to recognize that my talent is unquestionable. We will degrade and destroy all rivals to the UWF men’s basketball team.
“I am the reason Michael Jordan is the man he is today.”
UWF student Beverly Butterly, junior anatomy major, expressed excitement at the news.
“You can’t keep a good man down, Butterly said. “Movies taunt and poke fun at this guy, but he’s really just a great guy. I hope to get a selfie with him. I want him to have my children.”
Trollo Gang-aji, point guard of the men’s basketball team, was troubled by the news.
“I’m not going to lie,” Gang-aji said. “Ever since I heard the news I haven’t been able to sleep. Every time I close my eyes I see his face and it frightens me.”
Bense made a strong closing statement at the press conference announcing the university’s decision to hire Jong-un, making it clear that she believed in the coach.
“I understand that some of the student body have concerns about these new measures,” Bense said. “But haters going to hate.”
UWF acceptance policy stirs controversy on campus
Constance Snoring
Staff Writer
Bernice Wu, mother of University of West Florida freshman Sommore Payne, marched down to the Board of Overseers meeting with other parents on Wednesday night to demand changes to a previously unknown stipulation in UWF’s admissions policy.
UWFs admissions policy requires all undergraduate students to help build current and future athletic facilities.
In return, they will receive a 10 percent discount on tuition (not including housing) and a free We Proudly Serve Starbucks tall latte.
The university is in the process of adding more attractions to University Park as a means of bringing more revenue to UWF.
As of now, the park includes an 18-hole disc golf course, but is in the process of constructing a hookah lounge, a boxing facility, a football stadium and more.
The purpose of development at University Park is to enhance the campus experience for current and future UWF students and to engage UWF supporters and the local community.
While at home for spring break, Wu’s daughter mentioned to her that the university was “having its undergraduates build buildings.”
“When I found out the university was having my 18-year-old child do construction work for the school because it’s the university’s policy to attend, I was floored,” Wu said. “I was like ‘oh hell no.’ Who does this?
“I didn’t read this in the admissions material.”
The requirement is indeed in the admissions packet, and according to UWF Admissions Counselor Rufus Drool, it has been that way since 2001.
Bill Ding, President of Business Instead of Brains, Inc. (BIB), a partner with the university, agrees with the policy.
Ding believes that having students help build facilities, especially the new football stadium, will teach teamwork and give them the skills and confidence needed just in case they need to fall back on more of a hands-on career in the future.
He also says that construction companies are looking for female construction workers.
“I mean I love the school, but it does suck having to dig ditches and carry huge bricks around,” Payne said. “I know my mom hates the idea of it, but I guess that’s the cost of education these days”.
Wu, following her discussion with the State Board of Education, said that it was in the process of looking over her complaint.
Students receive financial aid again, Bense in a pickle
Dinah Soares
Staff Writer
University of West Florida students were witnessed withdrawing thousands of dollars from ATMs last Friday after a glitch in the state’s computer system caused financial aid to be released for the second time this semester.
Students rushed to cash out before the mistake was caught and the money rescinded.
“I got an alert from my bank on my phone saying a deposit had been made,” UWF senior Peter Poor said. “I logged in and saw there was a $4,000 deposit from financial aid. I went straight to the bank and withdrew the amount before it disappeared.”
Most universities were able to stop the unexpected funds before they were disbursed to students because they have officials who pay attention to the happenings in their offices, but Rich Mann, UWF’s director of financial aid, didn’t catch it in time.
“I was binge-watching Grey’s Anatomy in my office like I do every Friday, when I saw students run past my window screaming and waving mad stacks of cash in the air. After I made sure that Meredith and McDreamy weren’t breaking up, I went outside to see what was happening,” Mann said.
Other financial aid employees reported the strange qiuet that overcame the office on Friday. Not a single call, email, or in person appointment occured that day.
On Saturday, Mann’s wife reported him missing, suspecting that he fled the country, afraid of the repercussions of his Netflix habits.
The FBI reports that they are tracking his credit card spending, and thinks he is hiding somewhere in Russia.
With the disappearance of Mann, Gov. Rick Scott contacted UWF President Judy Bense, and demanded that all funds be repaid to the government within 30 days.
With no way to get the money back from students, Bense and the Board of Trustees have resorted to some old-fashioned fundraising.
“When I realized selling my car wasn’t enough, I knew it was time to finally pursue my real passion: baking,” Bense said. “I held a bake sale once when I was 10 to raise money so I could get a dog, and it worked then, so I figure it will work now.”
Bense will be selling homemade cupcakes, cookies and brownies on the Cannon Green 24 hours a day for the next week to pay back the government.
The Board of Trustees will be taking 15-hour shifts at Bense’s house baking enough to feed the entire student body, faculty and staff.
Meanwhile, rumors are circling that students have pooled their new-found wealth to rent a Carnival Cruise Line ship for a weeklong party through the Caribbean.
However, if sailing through the Caribbean doesn’t float your boat, you can always join the hundreds of sorority girls buying the entire new Lilly Pulitzer line from Target.
SGA legalizes marijuana in anticipation of final exams
Collie Man
Staff Writer
The Student Government Association wrote and passed legislation on Friday to allow the legal recreational use of marijuana on the University of West Florida campus.
The legislation allows students, faculty and staff of UWF to be in possession of up to 28 grams, or one ounce, of the species cannabis sativa. It also allows for the “open and public consumption of marijuana” while on the campus.
The legislation was written by Sensi Kush after she created a new position in the SGA cabinet known as “law czar” that allows her to write and vote on legislation.
She believes the use of marijuana will decrease the stress levels of students.
“I felt that the stress that college and especially final exams puts on students could be alleviated with the use of marijuana,” said Kush.
Many of the restaurants on campus will sell the product, particularly those restaurants with refrigeration cases to preserve the freshness.
“I think the sale of marijuana will be good for the school,” said Kush. “Maybe the restaurants should make some food with pot in it. In fact, I might have to write that into law. I’m kidding about the food, but we are selling it here to make sure people aren’t putting themselves in danger when buying marijuana.”
Marijuana will be grown on the UWF campus to allow convenience of purchase and safety. Most paraphenalia will be sold in an on-campus smoke shop, scheduled to open in late April.
UWF will produce one hitters, custom-order pipes and rolling papers.
Norville Rogers, an amateur detective turned gardener, will oversee the growth and sale of marijuana on campus.
“We are going by the book, so the man can’t shut us down. We want to provide the best product for our customers,” said Rogers.
Kush said she chose the sativa strain for the effects it gives compared to the effects of the other strain.
“Like, sativa was a good choice man,” said Rogers. “Sativa is known for its cerebral high, while the alternative, cannabis indica, is known for its sedative effects, man.”
In light of the legislation, UWF will now offer a course in marijuana cigarette rolling.
The professor of the course, Mary Jane, has a bachelor’s degree in botany as well as a doctorate in horticulture.
“Man, I’m glad this is happening. It’s about time this school got a little more progressive,” said Jane. “I dig the new course. It should be fun, no matter the level of experience of the student.”
The course will teach students about the paper used for rolling, mixing and filling the joint as well as the art of rolling and information about the filter known as a roach.
Rogers and Jane will be working closely together as Rogers will provide most of the material for the class.
“Mary Jane, like, that is my favorite name,” said Rogers. “She is a great professor and seems really knowledgeable about the subject. I would take the class if I could.”
The course is expected to reach its registration capacity of 25 students in the first five minutes of opening registration. There are no prerequisites to the course.
“I’m like, really stoked to take this class with professor Jane,” UWF sophomore, Jorge Diamond said. “Hopefully we get to work with some really dank ass weed, man.”
Diamond said that he enjoys smoking the good kush in his free time, but doesn’t know how to roll, so he’s forced to use only a five-foot bong, or a small one hitter.
Grades are expected to rise after just one semester of marijuana being legal for recreational use on campus. Students are strongly encouraged to smoke weed before they study in the library to enhance memory and brain activity. This is believed to be the true higher education.
New degree allows students to avoid responsibility
Jason Justin
Staff Writer
The University of West Florida has announced the launching of the nation’s first Virtual Fulfillment Management degree, fall 2015.
The trailblazing program will equip students with the skills and credentials necessary to pursue online self-actualization.
“The epidemic of our time is the dissonance people experience as their traditional life interferes with the ongoing cultivation necessitated by their online life,” said Wallace B. Newton, UWF professor of departure-oriented psychology and program co-designer. “It needn’t be so. We have the technology and drugs at our disposal to completely eradicate this nuisance of old.
“Furthermore, with the advent of modern technology the whole supply and demand paradigm has become obsolete. The demand is infinite as is the supply. Thus cost has become arbitrary and irrelevant due to the intangible nature of the plane we’ll be operating within.”
Students will complete all coursework online. The program will require four semesters of full-time enrollment as opposed to the normal eight.
“The misperception of the millennium is that technology was at odds with that which is organic,” said Ruby Snow, program co-designer and author of “Psilocybin City.” “Exactly the opposite is true. Technology places what we like to call the ‘Essential’ within reach.”
The manual component of the program will be satisfied by the end of the first semester, Newton said. The purpose of that portion is two-fold: to familiarize students with the lifelong, automated software they will use and to create a lasting distaste for responsibility via unenjoyable coursework.
“They’re going to be getting a heavy dose of British lit’,” Newton said. “Lots of authors impressing themselves, paid-by-the-word prose, and lengthy, hand-written papers due each Monday morning.”
The capabilities for such a program have been in place since the 1950s, Gustave Courbet, who was consulted by Snow, said. What was missing was a lack of vision, willingness and designer psychotropic medications.
“In the last ten years, the pharmaceutical world has undergone a revolution in development that is akin to what the realm of warfare experienced with the advent of the smart bomb,” Courbet said. “We can target specific areas of the brain for total obliteration without collateral damage. UWF, through this program, is charting a stress and responsibility-free course for the world.”
The UWF nursing program is planning to offer virtual fulfillment attendant certification beginning fall 2016.
“We’re going to need a portion of society willing to attend to the physical needs of those who opt in for virtual fulfillment,” Newton said. “These will be the people who make the ultimate sacrifice.”
In return for their work, licensed attendants will be allowed to shop Walmart cost-free and at-will. In addition, municipalities across the nation plan on building what Newton referred to as “24-hour Mega-Rinks”.
“Roller skating for everybody that chooses that saintly path,” Newton said. “Hey, if they want to dress in ‘80s clothes and skate in circles beneath strobe lights as Van Halen blares, it’s the least we can do for them.”
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