New degree allows students to avoid responsibility

upside down headJason Justin
Staff Writer

The University of West Florida has announced the launching of the nation’s first Virtual Fulfillment Management degree, fall 2015.

The trailblazing program will equip students with the skills and credentials necessary to pursue online self-actualization.

“The epidemic of our time is the dissonance people experience as their traditional life interferes with the ongoing cultivation necessitated by their online life,” said Wallace B. Newton, UWF professor of departure-oriented psychology and program co-designer. “It needn’t be so. We have the technology and drugs at our disposal to completely eradicate this nuisance of old.

“Furthermore, with the advent of modern technology the whole supply and demand paradigm has become obsolete. The demand is infinite as is the supply. Thus cost has become arbitrary and irrelevant due to the intangible nature of the plane we’ll be operating within.”

Students will complete all coursework online. The program will require four semesters of full-time enrollment as opposed to the normal eight.

“The misperception of the millennium is that technology was at odds with that which is organic,” said Ruby Snow, program co-designer and author of “Psilocybin City.” “Exactly the opposite is true. Technology places what we like to call the ‘Essential’ within reach.”

The manual component of the program will be satisfied by the end of the first semester, Newton said. The purpose of that portion is two-fold: to familiarize students with the lifelong, automated software they will use and to create a lasting distaste for responsibility via unenjoyable coursework.

“They’re going to be getting a heavy dose of British lit’,” Newton said. “Lots of authors impressing themselves, paid-by-the-word prose, and lengthy, hand-written papers due each Monday morning.”

The capabilities for such a program have been in place since the 1950s, Gustave Courbet, who was consulted by Snow, said. What was missing was a lack of vision, willingness and designer psychotropic medications.

“In the last ten years, the pharmaceutical world has undergone a revolution in development that is akin to what the realm of warfare experienced with the advent of the smart bomb,” Courbet said. “We can target specific areas of the brain for total obliteration without collateral damage. UWF, through this program, is charting a stress and responsibility-free course for the world.”

The UWF nursing program is planning to offer virtual fulfillment attendant certification beginning fall 2016.

“We’re going to need a portion of society willing to attend to the physical needs of those who opt in for virtual fulfillment,” Newton said. “These will be the people who make the ultimate sacrifice.”

In return for their work, licensed attendants will be allowed to shop Walmart cost-free and at-will. In addition, municipalities across the nation plan on building what Newton referred to as “24-hour Mega-Rinks”.

“Roller skating for everybody that chooses that saintly path,” Newton said. “Hey, if they want to dress in ‘80s clothes and skate in circles beneath strobe lights as Van Halen blares, it’s the least we can do for them.”

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