Kim Jong-un appointed UWF Men’s Basketball Head Coach

Kim Jong-un was the shooting guard for the Chicago Bulls until he retired to coach college ball. Photo courtesy of DPRK.

Kim Jong-un was the shooting guard for the Chicago Bulls until he retired to coach college ball.
Photo courtesy of DPRK

Putin’s Pool Boy
Staff Writer

In wake of the retirement of former University of West Florida’s Men’s Basketball Coach Robert Stinnett, the Argonauts announced Kim Jong-un, Supreme Leader of North Korea, as his replacement on Monday.

Former NBA star turned UWF Mental Health Counselor Dennis Rodman, expressed his excitement for the Supreme Leader and left a message for those who disagree with his acceptance at the university.

“He is beautiful,” Rodman said. “His skills are utterly amazing. He is impeccable and fearless. UWF has been blessed to have been gifted such god-like talent. I only wish that I had half of his talent.

“People must understand that this man is undefeated. He defeated all North Korean basketball players that challenged him. He was ranked best basketball coach in North Korea. People need to set their emotions to the side and examine the facts,” Rodman said.

UWF President Judy Bense also welcomed the Supreme Leader with joy.

“It was totally a no-brainer,” Bense said. “He’s going to whip these boys into shape. By having the Supreme Leader leading our boys we are sure to win. Less nukes, more basketball is my motto – and go football!”

The acceptance of the new coach comes with some controversy, such as the requirement for every member of the men’s basketball team to adopt his haircut, accept regulations on their free speech, and paint a portrait of the Supreme Leader every 6 months. Those who refuse will disappear.

President Barak Obama issued a strong message in light of the new coach.

“We are deeply concerned about these new developments,” Obama said.

Kim Jong-un fired back his critics, claiming that his skill is beyond comparison.

“The Argos need me,” Kim Jong-un said. “They have come to recognize that my talent is unquestionable. We will degrade and destroy all rivals to the UWF men’s basketball team.

“I am the reason Michael Jordan is the man he is today.”

UWF student Beverly Butterly, junior anatomy major, expressed excitement at the news.

“You can’t keep a good man down, Butterly said. “Movies taunt and poke fun at this guy, but he’s really just a great guy. I hope to get a selfie with him. I want him to have my children.”

Trollo Gang-aji, point guard of the men’s basketball team, was troubled by the news.

“I’m not going to lie,” Gang-aji said. “Ever since I heard the news I haven’t been able to sleep. Every time I close my eyes I see his face and it frightens me.”

Bense made a strong closing statement at the press conference announcing the university’s decision to hire Jong-un, making it clear that she believed in the coach.

“I understand that some of the student body have concerns about these new measures,” Bense said. “But haters going to hate.”